I was all set for a quiet weekend and unaccountably I woke
up earlier than I expected. A member of the British Royal Family said something
about never passing up the opportunity to go to the loo. This applies to young
dogs too, so I got Louie up and we walked outside.
It wasn’t really that early. It was just earlier than I
meant to get up. But the 3-footed squirrel who resides in my yard was making a
real racket. She’s usually pretty quiet and actually rather friendly, considering
somewhere along the way she suffered a terrible accident and lost her right
front paw. In spite of this injury, she gets around well, leaps from the oak
tree to the fence and back, follows the circuit of squirrel path from the oak
tree to the magnolia, to the roof, to the magnolia on the side yard to the
crepe myrtle, to the side fencing, to the Fuji apple, to the plum tree and back
to home base, the oak. The apples, plums and acorns keep her well fed and the
birdfeeders invite the Little Creatures of the Yard also.
So that was actually what the racket was about. She pointed
out to me and then also to Louie that there was, alas, an issue that I needed
to deal with. First, was the matter of Alice the cat who apparently had made a
break for it sometime during the nightly trips to the backyard that The Hubs
makes with both dogs. He carries the elder statesman Quincy down the stairs
since he’s not much on stairs nowadays in either direction. Nobody is as sharp
as they might wish at 2:30 or 3:00 am except of course Alice who takes
advantage of the boys on their wobbly pegs and inattention, and she easily
slipped out the door.
I used to be utterly horrified when Alice would slip out. I’ve
had cats killed in the streets because my parents would not allow indoor cats.
I’m a staunch indoor cat person. Over time I realize that at least Alice has no
intention of leaving the yard and, much better than either of the dogs, comes
when she is called.
Alice sat on the low brick wall, the remains of an old
summerhouse, under the plum tree. She was entirely too close to Mother
Squirrel. And I was instructed to do something about this. Now.
Neighborhood
outdoor cats are much more inclined to climb trees than Alice. Alice prefers
her prey to come to her and enjoy taking her heart’s ease in the morning air,
with an occasional glance at the squirrel. But she had no intention of climbing
a tree.
Second, and as it turned out more inspiring, on Mother
Squirrel’s list was, and she did in fact point it out to me, the small dead rat
near the patio of the former summerhouse.
“Oh,” sharp as ever in the morning, I mutter, “a rat. Dead,
huh?”
Louie nosed the rat and, since I was interested in it,
picked it up in his mouth and took a few gamboling dance steps sideways,
offering a rousing game of Get the Dead Rat.
“Louie!” I tried to use my Stern Voice. I’m told I’m
spectacularly unsuccessful at sounding stern. “Drop it right now!”
Unaccountably, he did. Without a second thought, I stepped over,
picked the unfortunate up by the end of his now cool tail and set him out of
doggy range. This started a chain of
creative events that lasted the weekend.
In the quiet of the morning, I began the story with the
obituary of one Rat, struck down mysteriously in the prime of rodent life and
shared it on Facebook.
It wasn’t clear that Alice was the culprit although she was
seen near the deceased when he was found. The Hubs, in defense of Alice, made a
good case that it could not have been her since Rat was found in his entirety
with just a bit of saliva at his neck and shoulders. After all, Louie had moved
the body, and if you’ve ever watched a whodunit you’ll know that will always
get suspicions aimed at That Guy.
Fictional CROX NEWS, a station known for making a mountain
out of a molehill with the neighborhood fauna, got the exclusive with shots of
the major characters in the dramatic investigation. My Facebook friends joined
in the investigation with many theories of the crime.
Who killed Rat? His wife, always treated like a princess, or
so she claims? As it unfolded, PerpPetual Life, the animal life insurance
company wouldn’t confirm that there was a life insurance policy on Rat, but
moved quickly to make an appearance at the scene. Was there a drug connection
with the New York Sewer Rats who were fast to send their “condolences” on the
loss, although Rat himself had made every effort to distinguish himself as a
backyard resident of honest, if modest, means. Were Alice and Louie in on it
together or was Louie an unwitting dupe? And finally, before charges were
filed, Judge Quincy came out of retirement to oversee the moving of the body to
the morgue. And what about Baby, a kitten of uncertain loyalties who spoke up
early as a character reference, but apparently a reference for the highest
bidder?
Alice and Louie were held on suspicion of murder and
interrogated relentlessly by cynical local police. A team of special
investigators from PerpLife was called in and by the next day the yard was
crawling with S. Nail and his teammates. Mr. Nail, who declined to give any
particulars about their investigation, gave a brief interview with CROX NEWS
but spoke only about his company’s procedures and the Serious Undertaking and
Crime Control Specialists (SUCCS) team searching for the facts on behalf of
PerpLife. The District Attorney, a shady politician if I ever saw one (thanks
to artist Debra Klopp Kersey) came out in support of law and order and justice
for Rat and his family.
There was even a break in the broadcast for an ad from the
local undertaker, Kelly’s Happy Endings.
In the end, the Coroner, another seeming member of the Good
Old Cats Club (thanks to ceramics artist Sharon Boom) pronounced the death a “raticide
by person or persons unknown”. The suspects were released and no charges were
filed because of insufficient evidence.
Alice was seen reading the tabloids in disgust and is
rumored to be considering a cosmetics modeling offer or two. When asked if she
is opposed to animal testing, she replied she was not if free samples were
available.
Louie was seen with a blunt object that turned out to be a
paper towel roll. While it’s unclear whether this is the actual murder weapon,
one of the many unknowns in the case, Louie looked very worried when his photo
was snapped.
And the investigation continues. But, I have to say, sad as
it is that somehow in my very own backyard a small furry creature met his 10 of
Swords end, this has to be the most fun I’ve ever had with a dead rat.
Best wishes!
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